Space, what is space? English defines it as a position of two or more items at a distance from one another. More often than not, I have heard people drop the “I need space” line in relationships. Heck! I’ve been hit with that statement as well! At that moment, all I could think of was, “How can you be so selfish!?” So I give you space, what about me? Do I just put my life on hold as I foolishly wait for you? What happened to dealing with issues now! Or talking things through. Space? It was a term that was incomprehensible to me until a few days ago.
What I’m about to tell you is a story of two friends. One of them happens to be a very close friend of mine (of course I had to convince the hell out of her,to allow me to write about it!) Let’s call them Stacey and Nate. Names are changed for privacy purposes. Stacey is an intelligent, beautiful and crazy fun lady. I’d probably fall in love with her too,if i was a guy! And Nate is equally attractive,smart and totally fun! When these two people were together it was friendship on fire. Stacey had never met anyone who she clicked with to that extent and to much of her surprise,he was nothing that she ever thought she would ever fall for. He was cute yes! But he was younger, his physical attributes were far from what she was used to or liked but she couldn’t understand what exactly it was about him that felt like home,each time they talked or met up.
So the heat builds up, she falls hard for this guy, gets scared and backs away! She eventually pushes him away and this guy adjusts to the situation and steps back. See, Stacey had been hurt before and there is this thing us women do after a break up. We label all men as dogs, we go all fake feminist and kill off any potential feelings for men in the name of being vigilant. Which I think is just the first step to self- sabotage because we push away even the good ones.
Things get so bad that the fire between Stacey and Nate dies off and their friendship dies off. Flames to dust,lovers to friends, friends to strangers. At first, Stacey was okay with her decision and everytime we talked she would tell me it was probably for the best and lists down all the things he did wrong, yada yada yada. At the end of all the self convincing she attempted to do,I hit her with a question that most of us chose to ignore, so as to feel better about ourselves…”What did you do for him to act that way?” Because fact is, every action has a reaction. I could tell she hadn’t thought about it, by how taken a back she was. I gave her the task of doing some soul searching and find out what had gone wrong, what part she played in the situation at hand. Not necessarily to get back with Nate,but for the sake of having a healthier relationship with the next man.
The soul searching gives birth to the realization that she had caused the separation, just as much as he had. She had pushed him away and repeatedly bruised his ego and hurt him. He had taken enough of it. He aborted mission and abandoned ship without really seeking to solve the situation. The thing about dating older guys and then shifting to a younger one,is there is some kind of generational mishap. An older guy is more tolerant of things,or rather with years, he has mastered the skill of passiveness. Some female drama doesn’t phase him . He’s seen so much of it he eventually knows you’ll cut the crap and all will go back to normal but young guys? They’re different. They still have zeal for life and love. They want to feel the fun kind of love! The bed of roses. They know they can move from one girl to another with ease especially if they’re physically attractive. They haven’t yet grasped the concept of being deep with someone or tolerating their flaws and dark side. No, that’s too intense,too serious. Why get hurt when there’re other options? Besides, they have their whole life ahead of them to waste it on one deranged girl (well, that’s my opinion,my theory. Please note theories are not necessarily factual! So don’t take my word as Bible truth lol)
So what does Stacey do after this great realization? She fights for dear life. She paddles hard in the pool of their dying love and friendship. She begs and pleads and professes love. What does this do? Of course push him further away. She comes to me in desperation wondering why he can’t see how much she loves him and wants to work it out. At the moment, I also thought that Nate was being a total asshole for putting Stacey through all that. I could have willingly clobbered him with a hockey stick in solidarity with my friendship with Stacey, but! I had to put away my emotions for a hurt and concerned friend. I had to put on my rational cap. I had to get my psychology on and be as neutral as possible. This was the only way to come up with healthy and useful advice (remember we talked about avoiding emotional-based decisions?)
Why was Stacey acting up? Going all psycho and needy for a guy who wasn’t really what she wanted to begin with?? Well, for starters she had never faced rejection before. I mean who could even dare?! She’s awesome! okay I admit I might have juuuuust a tiny bit of a woman crush for her. Moving on swiftly… She was used to getting what she wanted and was used to dating guys, who she would have fall outs with then easily get back together…but Nate was a tough cookie. He had moved on and moved on like she didn’t mean anything! And that gentlemen, is how you create a psycho! You’re welcome…
She was going in over her head with unanswerable questions and scenarios. Wishing she could go back and change it all, but here’s the thing people! Even if it was possible to teleport back into the past and change things,the truth is something totally unexpected will happen to put you back into the exact situation you are in, presently…and I’m not even ashamed to admit that that is wisdom straight outta watching too many TV shows and reading novels. Either way, I trust it’s true and that’s probably why it’s not possible to go back to the past. There’s a reason it’s the past. There’s a reason things happen the way they do.
There I was! At least I had come up with the first phase of my advice before I could figure the rest out. “Stacey, what happened,happened so instead of trying to fix the unfixable,why not try moving forward?” So she takes my advice and tries to salvage what’s left of their friendship, to start a new. It turned out she had better luck cracking open a coconut shell with a bread knife, than she did getting through to Nate. Poor thing became devastated! Even I, miss solve all situations, didn’t even know how to deal with this one…until a few days ago!
*To be continued*