“I wanted to write down exactly how I felt but somehow the paper remained empty and I could not have described it any better” Those words, though I cannot recall the author, articulately describe the state I was in (and maybe still in), when I did not reach out on social media,for my daily mental wellness challenge posts or avail any blog posts for my lovely readers.I have been a bit MIA for the better part of this mental wellness challenge, not because I gave up on it. I’m pretty much knee deep into it and it’s proven not to be as simple as I thought it would.
A few days ago I lost my phone,my life line, as I may refer to it. I should have been sad. I mean I had lost my contacts,access to all my social media apps. The word press app that allowed me to write my blog posts on the go, instead of rushing to my laptop each time I had the urge to write. My beloved Snapchat and WhatsApp, which had become like my daily doze of medicine and of course Instagram, that enabled me to communicate with my beloved followers during this mental wellness challenge. I had every reason to be sad or at least disappointed but for some reason, I wasn’t. In fact I was tempted to stay without a phone! My mother was even more upset about how I would be cut off from social media than I was ( This social media craze seems to have caught up with these old folks too, weird!) I, on the other hand, felt a deep relief. I felt like a prisoner on the day of her release, I felt free for a moment. Free from the responsibility of having to communicate to people. If anyone asked why I had been so lost, I could easily say, “Oh! I didn’t mean to, I lost my phone” but why did I feel such an obligation to be social when I wasn’t really in a social context in my life? Why couldn’t I be true to myself and admit that I didn’t want to meet up for lunch or go on a night out? Why couldn’t I admit to myself that I wanted to have a moment of solitude?
Over the years, I have been so accustomed to making others happy that I always ended up putting myself second. If others were happy then I would be happy. Isn’t that how it works? Then why was I surrounded by so many happy people yet still not content? Were the people even as happy as they portrayed themselves to be? The truth is, helping is a good thing but can at times serve as a distraction. A distraction from helping ourselves. We make ourselves busy bodies and always commit our time to a bunch of stuff, not because we have been forced to but because we would rather do that than face the damage inside of us. So as much as I wasn’t in a social mood, I took myself for these meet ups and events and told myself I was fulfilling a social responsibility yet the real truth was, I really needed the distraction. What happens when the distraction is no longer there? We crumble. We hide in our little shells or choose to find new distractions. I chose to look at losing my phone as a chance the universe had offered me to take a chill pill, probably why I felt so relieved. I wasn’t brave enough to take the step but it presented itself either way. I would be a fool to create new distractions for myself. I had to step up and listen to my feelings, to what was preventing me from feeling content. The time had come for the healer to heal herself.
I have chosen to take this time for myself but at the same time I recognize that I have a responsibility to my readers. I really wish I could have something inspirational to write to you, forgive me if I seem out of my element in this post. I could have decided to run away and block out the world but I believe sharing my journey with you is helping a helpless soul out there. Like I mentioned before, there is more beyond us and it is our responsibility to ensure that we impact people’s lives positively, within our ability. It’s all about finding the balance. As much as I would like to share my journey with you each day, I regret the fact that I will be unable to. The journey of self discovery or self healing may sometimes reveal parts of us that we think we are not ready to tackle but the truth is, it would never have been revealed to us if we were not ready. The journey may be hard and uncomfortable. You may be forced to remove parts of you that do not serve you, yet you have lived with all of your life. You may be forced to feel pain that you chose to push away or emotions that you chose to ignore for so long. You may not be proud of some of the things you discover about yourself and you may be tempted to flee, but please, for you own sake,do not. Face each flaw and embrace it. It is all part of the healing process.
There will be days when it’s hard to get out of bed and there will be days when we will be complacent to whatever goes on around us. We may lose friends, we may lose loved ones. We may at times disappoint ourselves and take ten steps back instead of ten steps forward. There will be days when we will want to let ourselves drown but please keep puddling. The shore is around the corner no matter how far it seems. In such moments, we deeply crave direction. We wish we could have some sort of road map in a world that constantly shifts beneath our feet. I leave you with wise words from a great piece of advice that I once received. The truth is that the map is within you and your feelings are your guide posts. We often tend to ignore them because it is hard, it is scary and we forget that there is no other path to happiness apart from the one we create for ourselves. So keep on pushing dear one. I can offer you as much direction as I can but most of the work is on you. If you dedicated yourself to this healing process then do yourself a great favor and follow through with it even though there seems to be no one holding your hand. You are strong enough, just believe it and implement it. Let’s not give up, let’s get something out of this mental wellness challenge together.
with love and light!