I want to apologize for being so lost. For not writing as often as I should. My friends have been hitting me up, asking what happened to my blog, why I am not active. I am aware that I have lost followers because of this, I am fighting with everything I’ve got to get back on my feet. I have been fighting a battle of the unknown, but I’m afraid I can’t do it alone or lie about the state that I am in. I find that I am no longer afraid to say how I feel nowadays. I am no longer afraid to display my melancholy, my distress, my frustration. There was a time I would shy away…”Always have a smile on your face, don’t show them your weakness”, they say…Weakness? I beg to disagree. How is it weakness when you choose to embrace your sorrow instead of fighting it? To me you are a warrior. At this very moment I am a warrior. I choose to feel my true feelings, I choose to admit that I am not okay. It’s not a weakness. It is a strength.
The black dog is back, the unwanted visitor. He barks at my door and as soon as I open to quiet down the disturbance, he enters my mind without approval. He ransacks my moods like a thief in the night and overturns the stability I once thought I had. I want to scream and shout for help but I’m the only one who can see him. I want to fight him but my body has gone numb. The more I fight, the bigger he grows, like a monster in a fairy tale land. He wants to devour me and just as he is about to grab me with his fierce looking paws and gobble me down I embrace him. I tell him that I accept him and that he is welcome to stay. He is me, and now, I am him.
I want to smile at you when we meet along the street. I want to respond by saying I am fine, thank you, when you utter a greeting. I really want to control my lashing out when you say something offensive or reply that message you sent. I really want to meet you at the club tonight or come by for that barbecue plan, instead of staying home and burying myself in a duvet. My God! I really do! but the black dog demands for my attention. If I don’t give it to him, He shall devour me, he shall end me.
I’ve learnt that it’s okay to not be okay. To sit with yourself and talk to your sorrows. To feel each aching emotion even if you don’t understand where it’s coming from. As I said in my blog post,It’s okay to not be okay, relapses are part of the process. It doesn’t mean this is the end. It’s like another level on Super Mario; getting past the danger to attain your gold coin. So if you’re experiencing this storm with me, My dear come share my umbrella. Remember depression is a state you are in, it’s not who you are. I accept that I can’t ignore it. It’s something I have to embrace and not be ashamed of. This is how I believe I can save lives, by coming forward and saying, yes, I’m not okay. This is basically a call for all of you who are damping down your pain, to come forward and deal with the pain instead of running away.
You who stigmatizes us for admitting to our flaws, please open your eyes and recognize courage. Please try holding the hand of a brother/sister in need. They didn’t choose to be that way, I didn’t choose to be this way. Don’t shun or stigmatize, just help them brave the storm. Learn about mental health if you must, learn of the mental health issues that exist. No, it’s not a “white person’s problem” It is simply a problem. A problem that needs to be combated with love and support. If I didn’t have people to hold my hand I wouldn’t be here. Save a life today and stretch out that umbrella to a friend, even if you can’t see the rain they’re trying to shelter themselves from.
With Love and Light,