“Once you lose yourself, you have two choices: find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely.”
–H. G. Wells
Before I started writing this post, I was listening to the hit song “Hello” by Adele. I related it to the emotions I felt at the moment. I wanted to reach out to the old me and apologize for not trying hard enough. I wanted to apologize for what I had become. Did I try to stop it, could I have stopped it? Was it out of my control? Did I let the the unwanted visitor win?
There are moments I tried to reach out to the old me. The old me, who was confident in herself. The old me, who looked at herself in the mirror and saw beauty and not exhaustion. The old me, who was ambitious and always believed she was the best at what she did.
As I looked at the reflection in the mirror,the current version of myself; sad eyes and wrinkling forehead and unkempt hair, I wondered if she was still there. I wondered if she would ever come back. I remember walking out of the house that morning, getting into a public transport vehicle and falling apart into a crying fit. I sniffled painful sobs, trying to contain the screams my heart wanted to so release. I had fallen apart and even in that moment I fought to pretend I was okay.
The young man seated next to me attempted to strike up a conversatio with me but was met by tear soaked eyes. He saw the disinterest and turned away. I remember thinking,”Turn away just like everyone I ever depended on, Turn away just like I did on myself.” Negative and heart wrecking thoughts consumed my mind and hopelessness polluted the air that I breathed.
Sometime end last year, I relapsed back to my depression. I tried to run away from it through endless nights of partying and surrounding myself with friends. It’s not until recently that my walls came crumbling down and the feelings I had tried to push further away had now come to the surface. All of my demons came out to play. My constant thought was, “Is the old Gracey still there? Have I let her down? Will she ever come back? Will I win this battle this time or is this the end?” …..
Low moments…they creep up on us like a thief in the night. They convince us that we have failed ourselves. They remind us of all the mistakes we made in life, the situations we couldn’t rectify. They convince us that we are not strong enough to fight our demons, but if you can live another day….at least exist, you’re stronger than you think you are. God is trying to tell you that you can weather the storm. That there is more to your life. When I think about it now, I wonder if I want to go back to that person I was; so amazingly ambitious, yet clueless of the world and my emotions, or if I want to be a whole different person. From my experience with pain, I believe I can no longer be that person I want to go back to being, but I can be an even better person. One with experience and wisdom because just like sand paper on a hard wood board, the struggles are polishing you for a better tomorrow, a better version of you. If I can just brave through the sand paper( my adversities, my depression) working on my life, I can look forward to a smooth and exquisite finishing, that is me.
Until next time…
With Love and Light,