I promised you peace. I promised that we would be better if we helped people more or did things we loved. We convinced ourselves that our happiness is derived from serving others, so we went for it. We touched people’s lives and we were happy. We were happy for a moment, weren’t we? Then what happened? Why are we still so sad, why are we sinking in emotional quicksand? Shouldn’t we be dancing to a happy band?
Dear heart, why do you ache so. Doesn’t he care for you? Isn’t he doing everything you wanted? Then why are you pushing him away? Why do you set yourself on fire, setting off turbulence where there was calm, telling yourself that you’re setting your foot, firm? Oh heart! see him walk away….what have you done!
Dear temper, please calm down. It’s never that serious,erase that frown. Because of you, my vision is impaired. From a small mole hill to a volcanic mountain,paired. Ready to erupt at the sound of my irrational thoughts, bearing negativity of all sorts. Oh temper! You ruined a friendship….is that what you do for fun?
Dear loved ones, I know I’m a handful. I tried to be okay, I tried to smile and laugh but the unwanted visitor is fervently back. Back with his cousin anxiety, seeking to perturb a once calm mind with an abominable malady.
Over the years, I have always wondered why after an episode of great calm or happiness, the symptoms of my depression seemed to magnify. So I took it upon myself to learn more about my condition and looked through a few books. Studies show, that individuals who experience a spike in mood due to a positive event often quickly return to their previous mood state. The sudden rush and then decline could aggravate stress and increase symptoms of depression.
I had my first successful event, supported by an amazing team, just a few days ago. I should be happy that we are reaching out to people out there but instead I cannot even put into words the depth of my current despair…. “what if I fail? what if I’m not good enough? what if my support team drops out? what if my project doesn’t benefit anyone?”…. My mind is a rat on ecstasy, running on a wheel in a cage, that is my head. It hurts when I wake up in the morning, in a rational state and realize I lost yet another friend to my irrational self. So much in my life is at stake.
I want to be normal, but what is normal? Does anyone even know? Is it a myth that is meticulously placed in our minds by society? To make us feel small and never realize our great potential. To always wander the earth and slave with devotion. What is normal? For my whole life has been but a balance between temporary delight and turbulent melancholy. My metaphoric seesaw.
Until next time…
with love and hopeful light,