Today is one of those days. When my thoughts are racing at a thousand per second. That day that I wish I could do everything that comes to mind, all at once. That day when my heart is beating the hell out of my rib cage for no apparent reason. When my some what,carefully ,taken care of ,nails are not too lucky as they are subject to vigorous teeth action. That day when I want to do so much but can’t seem to point out what exactly is making me so worried or why I feel so unsettled and making my breathing so heavy.
I never used to know what this was until very recently. It’s anxiety. My prolonged and postponed pressure for planning things and getting things done, is making me anxious. My perfectionism has kicked in and I fear disappointment. I’m worried about what the outcome of every action I take will be and at the same time, try to maintain productivity at my day time job. I’m worried if I’ll manage to stay sane and pull through the pressure. So what do you do when the thoughts come flooding in?
Well… Breath. That’s all I’ve been doing all day, breathing exercises. I tried browsing through social media but it just made me more anxious so I stood up and started pacing back and forth in the office ( I was honestly losing it!) A work mate of mine asked me what my deal was, I expressed how restless I was and she asked me if I was on heat…like seriously!? lol! *insert laugh emoji* well…story for another day.
What am I writing?! I honestly don’t know. But writing helps me keep my mind off unnecessary thoughts. If not, release them. I don’t even know if I’m making sense but it’s necessary that I do it because if I don’t, I’ll have a full blown panic attack.
The beauty of solitude is it leads you to introspection and self evaluation. From self evaluation, you achieve self awareness and through that awareness you’re able to decipher certain moods that lead to certain actions. This is what we refer to, in Cognitive-behavioural therapy, as noting. You note how certain situations make you feel and what certain moods lead to and you try to control it and keep yourself in check. That’s what I’m pretty much doing.
With each letter I type and each breathe I take, I feel my nerves calming down. I feel my pulse gaining normalcy. I feel my mind arranging itself from the jumbled up mess it’s been today. I feel myself calming down. The to-do-list right next to me is pretty much a threat. So this is what I’ll do, I’ll choose two items from it and get them done. Close the planner and put it back in the desk. So, now I’m explaining my actions to you, funny how this is helping. Whenever my bff and I do strange things( and by strange I mean stranger things than the strange things we call normal) we always ask ourselves, “so this is where I’m at huh?” and we laugh it off and soldier on. Truth is you’re going to have such moments. You’re gong to have to be in touch with who you are and aware of yourself so that you can be able to go through those moments. To be able to be as flexible as life demands.
I am convinced that we’re all messed up. We’re all stumbling blindly through life, looking for direction and some of us clinging to supposed heroes and mentors, for direction but here’s what you refuse to see; the solutions lie within us. You’re the only one who can know yourself well enough to know what you can handle and what you can’t. Everyone around us is just a marking point to help us see where we’re at in life and lessons that prepare us for our purpose.
We are so trusting of other people’s decisions but our own, even in our own ideas or endevours because we feel as if they would know better since they’ve done it before. What if you followed your heart, as flawed as it may be at times but it always leaves you content, no matter how hurtful the outcome may have been. What if you followed your passion, your vision. What if you just did it as you saw it in your mind and felt it in your heart. Believed in yourself and trusted yourself to deal with the stress that follows each attempt we make at life?…….and just like that I have found my solution. Found yours?
Until next time,
With love and light,