This weekend a friend of mine was going back to her home town and my friends were shocked to see actual tears running down my cheeks as I said good bye. ” I have attachment issues!” I said dismissively as I shrugged off the whole situation, but the truth that I am aware of ,even as I uttered those words is, I do have attachment issues!
Looking back at my life, I realize that I always fought vehemently not to be attached to anyone. I acted like a mean girl, at times, as a way of retaliation. I insulted and complained about people when they dared to walk out on me, when all I really wanted was to fall apart in tears. I pretended to be a strong independent woman, who didn’t need anybody, when the truth was I couldn’t take the heart ache of one more person walking out of my life. So I claimed that staying single was a choice I made. I claimed that if a friend walked out of my life, they should stay gone!…All this was a defense mechanism.
When I meet someone new and they’re fascinated by me, keep saying what a fun and exciting person I am. I often wonder, will they think so when they see the real me, when they see my ruins, my dark side? Will they walk away or will they stay, when I self-destructively try to push them away? Will they hold me down till I find my calm? Will they be there till the very end? So I run before I can give them a chance to leave but keep coming back to settle my doubts. To convince myself that people do really like me for me, and not what I can offer them; my charm,my wit, my everything sweet…and that’s when it happens. I love beyond my capacity, I give it my all. I become a needy puppy, I crave for attention. When the slightest sense of not being needed anymore brushes across my heart,I lose my mind, I lose myself. I become a fire-breathing dragon expelling hate. I become the complete opposite of that fun lass you first got attracted to. That friend you always want to be around…now all you want to do is leave, before I get too “complicated”.
I tried to tell you this would happen, I tried to tell you who I was but you were too exuberant about what you saw at the moment. I warned you that you wouldn’t get to the bottom of this ocean, that is me. I warned you that you couldn’t reach that deep. Now look, I fell for your promise that you couldn’t keep. I don’t blame anyone though, because they couldn’t foresee. I was an adventure; A phenomenon you had never experienced before and will probably never experience again. You liked that I was complex, a mystery…but now the adventure is over and you’ve seen enough. You walk away before it gets too tough.
I don’t blame you, I probably envy you more because you can detach yourself so easily, from that which you got attached to. I, on the other hand, I am back to square one. Trying to find the resources to build back my wall, the wall to block off all who try to enter. The wall that shall earn me the title, “that detached lady”. The wall that will make you see me as your potential inamorata, your potential best friend; to keep you entertained . Until the day you tire of me and walk away, I’ll walk away too and pretend that I don’t care. Friendships come and go, love has it’s seasons….I’ll try to convince myself as I move on.
As I lie on my bed of lies when night falls, I feel a piece of me slowly getting cut off from me. I told you I didn’t need you, but I feel your absence in my life. I made you feel like you were nothing to me but I secretly adhered you to my world and you didn’t have a clue. I unknowingly built a home in you. I wonder if I even wanted you near, or were you just a passing comfort that I couldn’t let go of, to fill my emptiness? Are you addicted to that mystery that I depict? Is that why you want to stay no matter how hard I push you away? or are you really my kindred spirit….These are the thoughts that fill my mind.
What if you only reacted the only way you knew how, what if you could only handle me to that capacity? As I watch them leave my life one by one. As I impulsively push them away with each day. As thoughts cross my mind, in my stillness I get a realization…what if the truth of the matter is, that it’s not you, it’s me?….