As a child, my mama showed me these beautiful, petite flowers that bear the name “forget-me-not” I often wondered if they were named so because they were gifted to those that walked out of our lives. Friends, lovers, loved ones….were those tiny, blue, flowers a representation of lost love and friendship, or were they the representation of the will power to walk away from that which was not meant for you? How do I choose to see the flower now?
Let me tell you a story, of the tiny blue/purple flowers with a yellow center. According to German mythology ( looks like the Greeks aren’t the only ones famous for myths) , there was once a couple strolling along a sandy beach when they came across these beautiful, tiny, blue/purple flowers. As they continued with their evening walk ,the waves came and carried the man away. As the water took him away, he cried out to his wife/lover, “please, forget me not” and thus the flowers were named so. Well, my story isn’t exactly accurate, I’ve kind of paraphrased some words but that is how I remember it. It is said to be a flower that represents remembrance after parting ways with a loved one, a representation of love that was once true.
I miss you, I really do. You were once dear to me, I wonder if I was too. If I told you I missed you, would it change anything? Would you realize my worth or would you demean me even more? Would it make me feel better or would it make me feel like I didn’t matter. Would I end up hating myself for reaching out to a friendship that had turned to dust? I have done it before, haven’t I? but do I really want to be that person anymore,that person who loves others more than I love myself ? Well, I don’t think so.
Today I thought about you. All of you who were so dear to me but I had to let go of. Then I thought about the others; those that I had once loved but have become a faded memory. I remember that with time,the pain fades away and I get back my strength to move on. I have chosen to rise above my emotions and choose what I deserve.
I used to be the kind of person who would fight. Fight with everything within me to keep a dear one in my life. I gave it my all. I completely put my ego aside and made that person my priority. Until one day, I looked at the ocean my tears had created, yet ,I had gained nothing. My well had ran dry because I cried a river for people who hardly shed a tear for me. For people who were okay with me not being in their lives. I wiped my last tear drop and told myself “never again” Never again will I fight for someone’s presence in my life. They will be there on their own accord.
I realized that all these fairy tales messed up our minds. You don’t fight for love, you don’t fight for friendship. People are in your life because they want to be. Relationships should be intentional, not forced. So when they leave, let them. I’m not saying that you don’t humble yourself and try to make it work but if you find that you’re the only one who takes the first step to resolve a situation, or apologize for mistakes you didn’t make, just to keep someone in your life, I beg you please stop. Please stop putting people’s welfare before your own. For the sake of your self esteem, you are worth it! You are worth that apology. Don’t let them make you feel like you’re not. For the sake of your mental wellness, don’t make yourself believe that you need them. Don’t beg for presence not given to you freely. If they cared half as much as you do, they would meet you half way.
Scared of being alone? Oh! Darling, please don’t. In solitude you discover your strengths. In solitude you rediscover those long lost values and qualities that made you who you are. In solitude you reconnect with your life’s purpose. In solitude you differentiate what is real and what’s not. It’s okay to miss them, you’re human ….but ask yourself, if they valued you as much, if they missed you, wouldn’t they be talking to you?
My darling, it’s okay to be alone until the day you find the one who doesn’t think you’re “too complicated” , “too much” or “too anything”. Build yourself; your career, your other relationships. Those that will love you unconditionally will find you and they’ll stay. Remember, Relationships are intentional.
So dear people that I once loved, I will always love you but I choose me this time. You may think that’s selfish but did you know what it took to get me here? Do you know how broken I had to be, before I could gather the pieces left of me? Do you know how many times I turned back and converted into a pillar of salt? No more! I am no longer a modern day depiction of Lot’s wife. I will no longer turn back. I choose me…
All I ask is that in our distance, your heart still remembers the joys I brought into your life and you in mine. The days that were once filled with laughter and not hurtful slime. Oh dear one, I shall never forget you. In return, forget me not.
Until next time,
With Love and Light,