“Anyone who isn’t confused really doesn’t understand the situation”
-Edward R. Murrow
What do you do when you just, can’t? When you can’t write because you have writer’s block or you can’t seem to get your business on lock. When you can’t bring yourself to respond to a situation because you’ve become so passive. When you can’t get out of bed, early enough, in the morning or come up with a single idea, how boring! What do you do?
Today I’ll write one of those posts that I can hardly decipher the beginning from the end. This, ladies and gentlemen is a form of literally catharsis. An expression of my mind’s messy state. You’re welcome. I’m going through a creative slump! I can’t seem to finish any of my blog posts. Remember the ones I promised to post? Yeah…about that, I can’t even get past the first paragraph. I also can’t seem to finish my organization’s activity calendar. I’m just there. A waste of space and perfectly good brain. So I’ll write nonsense until it makes sense. Until I make sense.
I zone out a lot lately, Gosh! I think I’m losing it! Losing what? My ability to stay grounded to the real world. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sad or anything. I feel confused! So I turn into a timid tortoise, afraid to deal, and withdraw into my shell. I have this urge to stop time until I figure it all out. But does anyone ever, like figure it out?
I’m turning 25 next week. It makes sense now, huh? I can imagine how some of you have thought, “quarter life crisis”, right? and how some of you thought, “Ah! she’s so young! She has no idea what’s about to go down” Understandable. Well, believe it or not, I went through quarter life crisis at age 21 and probably every other year after clocking 20. I can be so extra sometimes! Sigh! I feel like I want to take a whole week off and go into deep sleep but yeah, I have to go to work and do adult things. Bummer!
Last night I met up with my best friend, Sam. He asked me how my day was and I went into a speech marathon, ranting about the slump I’m in. He was quiet for a while, listening. Then the minute I stopped talking he smiled and said, “Ninja it’s happening again. Your pre-birthday anxiety”.
Now, let me back it up a bit so that you get a feel of how my “pre-birthday anxiety” works. My birthday is in the first week of February. The year begins and I’m chilled because, you know, January is just freakishly long! So I figure I have time to finish up with my goals or to plan my birthday. Then the last week of January approaches and I start freaking out, low-key, but I push it to the back of my mind and try to focus on the excitement of a new year. Then the next stage creeps in and I get into my shell. I create my own world where it’s just me, myself and I.
Zoning out becomes a specialty. You can literally spill your deepest darkest secret and I won’t even hear a thing. Sometimes I begin the conversation with you and somehow I get lost in my world and all I can see is your lips moving. Slow motion, like in the movies. Then I snap back to reality ( side bar: If you’re an Eminem fan, please tell me I’m not the only one who always feels like saying “ooops there goes gravity” each time I hear or read that statement? No? Okay.) Honestly, why am I so differently wired! Am I a martian? Lol, I did it again, did you see? Moving on swiftly….
When the zoning out begins, I start talking less. Become passive. Anything goes. Like you can stand next to me and poke me ten minutes continuously and I’ll be the least bothered because truthfully, 90% of the time I’m not even present. The semi-finals happen when I start worrying as my birthday draws nearer. I crave doing drastic things because I’m in dire need to feel. At this stage I can turn into a party animal or I start a million projects at once. I feel the need to be constantly high on life. It doesn’t affect my functioning, I’m still handling my responsibilities so I think to myself, I’m fine. I get so anxious. I feel stagnant, like I’m not progressing. As an ambitious person, this can be a really frustrating thing! Lastly, always a main feature, I get this need to quit my job and just find myself. As if I’m a lost coin! Pffft! I make myself laugh at times. I can be so impulsive and emotional at times and I can be dead inside; passive. There’s just no in between with me.
The grand finale! I get the full blown anxiety attack, complete package. The weekend before my 24th, I went harm. The “last weekend I’m 23” excuse. The excuses I could make just to party though! Hilarious! So I’m with two of my close friends, a dude and a chic. We’ve had an amazing time! but as we’re about to get into the car and go home, I suddenly I get so unsettled and viola! i find I’m short of air, I can’t bloody breath properly! It’s like someone has cut off my air supply. They stop and ask me what’s up and I literally break down into tears. Must have been the tequila! The Mexicans did it again! I start ranting in between sobs how I’m turning 24, a year closer to 25 and I feel as if I’m not achieving my full potential. It’s like I have had a fear of turning 25 for the longest time, come to think of it! Remember how I said I got my quarter life crisis a 21? I’m not kidding! It’s because I felt that each year after 20, drew me closer to 25. That’s when the pre-birthday anxiety attacks began. My brain gets overworked for sure. I just need prayers!
Do you ever just sit down and think, “I literally just celebrated my 16th birthday like yesterday!” Heck! I can remember receiving a beautiful tea set from my parents, on my 10th birthday like it was a week ago and now all of a sudden, surprise bih!!! You’re 25!!! 15 years gone, just like that! As in what is happening! It feels as if the universe is a speed junky, like John from my office. Always driving like a mad man but somehow he always gets you home safe. With a ridiculously racing heart! but safe. Guys! I just got an epiphany from that analogy!
We’re all living life on the fast lane. It gets to a point in life and you don’t know where the days are speeding off to. Suddenly you have no time to do anything! But if you trust your journey, eventually you get through and you arrive home safe. You may be sacred, worn out, anxious as you go, but in the end you eventually get to achieve your goals. Time shouldn’t be a limiting factor as society made us believe. I choose to be in agreement with the philosophers who stated that time and space solely exist in one’s mind. If I stop focusing on how limited my time is, then I won’t be in such a rush to nowhere, like a headless chicken. I’ll trust my journey and take my time to appreciate the present and the experiences that come with it. What belongs to me , shall find me along the way and it shall stay.
Conclusively, this is how I shall end this post because God knows I’m on overdrive! I can write all day. I started by asking , what do you do? and as I reach the end of this post, I think I’ve found my answer. What do you do when you just can’t, anymore? You just do! You push on until the universe acknowledges your effort to stay afloat on the life boat and it gives you a chance to flourish. So boo boo, just do!
With Love and Light,