You learn who you are by unlearning who they taught you to be.
I used to think that the pain should go away once you’ve healed. You know?! Like a huge burden being lifted away from you. The light you waited for as you went through the dark Channel . But there was no light. There would be none. But I felt different, I could tell there was change. Change in how I thought, in how I felt, how I perceived my whole world.
Change is all I got in the midst of nostalgic memories. Flashes of pain that accompanied the memories like a moth follows the light. That pain. It never goes away. And so I thought that there was something wrong with me. That I couldn’t let go and I had become comfortable in the quicksand of misery that pulled me in each time I struggled to come out of it. I beat myself hard for it. Harder than a sinful monk flagged himself. But it was okay. No one ever told me it was. No one told me that it was a process. Everyone made it look like it was something you just decided to do. You’d snap your fingers and voila! The magic would happen. That’s not what it was.
Yes, it was a decision. The decision was in the choice to heal but not how long it would take. So I learnt to let the process happen and be okay with not being okay. I learnt that imperfection is my new black and I’d wear it with pride. I learnt that everyone was just wearing a mask, fearful of what being real would entail. I used to be that person, sometimes I still feel that fear. I still do. So, I got out of my pity party and made a conscious decision to be real, no matter what it took from me.I made the conscious decision to accept that losing is also a gain. This is me accepting that healing doesn’t have a time line.
This is me accepting my Instagram page can be however I want it to be, without following some sort of online guidelines and accepting that this process can be for a lifetime for all I know. This is me taking off the mask and not having expectations anymore. This is me being okay with the real me. This is me letting the person I expected to be go and learning how to become the person I can be. This is me healing.
It’s a different kind of healing this time. It’s not from the pain inflicted on me at any time in my life neither is it from any heartache or a family member that broke my heart. No. I’m healing from myself. From all the times I didn’t forgive myself for making mistakes in the process of finding myself. Healing from all the demeaning descriptions and taunts that I filled my mind with. Learning to truly love myself because all those self destructive thoughts were just a reflection of how I truly felt about myself. I had to admit to myself that I had not yet learnt how to love my imperfections unconditionally. It was not my ex’s fault that he lingered in my life 7 years later, I allowed him. It wasn’t my friends fault that they treated me in a substandard way or in a way that didn’t make me feel valued, I allowed them. I had projected those thoughts I had of myself to the universe and they had manifested themselves in the people I tried to relate and connect with. I had to take responsibility for how I felt, why I felt it and what I needed to do to fall in love with myself all over again. This was my new challenge. My new step to the next level of awakening and I was ready