I’m tempted to ask, “why didn’t you love me enough to stay?” But I stop myself from typing the God forsaken question, at two, in the bloody a.m!!! He didn’t care enough to stay. It’s easier to believe that, but we all know thats not true. It’s you darling! You’re like sour cream, an acquired taste….
I sit there feeling pathetic for having these thoughts. But isn’t a girl allowed to mourn her loss. Grieve that part that was taken away from her (or did she give it away). What makes me think that it will change anything, if, I know why? Do I have some sort of illogical belief that this thing called closure, exists? If it does, dear universe, grant it to me! God knows I’ve never found the way in this milky way… . Either way, I stop myself. I manage to control my emotional self. He’s in the past, why does it always feel as if they took part of you with them? Does anyone else feel like that or is it just me? I feel it calling out to me each time I see him on my timeline happily showcasing his life without me. Must be nice!… Jeez! The envy in my tone couldn’t be any louder.
Do they know that you lost a part of yourself in them and that you’ve been struggling to adjust to life without that part of you. Sometimes it’s not really about the man. No. It’s about that part of me that they left with. That part that creates a void in my heart and deceives me that I need him. That part that was torn away from me and my soul keeps searching for it like a GPS tracker and each time it finds it, it witnesses it’s new home. It’s new place of residence. In the man who once promised to love me, but instead took his share of me and went off with it. Now I’m left trying to adjust to life without that part of me. I’m here fighting the demons that part exposed. Trying to comprehend whether there’s something wrong with me.
I understand it all had to happen the way it did but the stinging memory of how those moments made me feel, engulfs me and leaves a sick feeling in my stomach. Is this what they mean when they say you can forgive but not forget? Well, I’d like to call and make a complaint on my subscription. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. Life is basically a game of snake, you fuck yourself up and end up at the beginning, all points lost.
Loss; it’s heavy. Especially losing a person you placed part of your soul into. I miss him, not because I want to be with him. Not really. But he is now walking around with a part of me. That girl I was when I met him. I can’t recognize her anymore, she seems like a completely different lass. She stares back at me and she can’t recognize me either. Me, who is me? A girl has no recognition of who she is. She just gets to watch from a distance as this new entity takes over her and does damage control, fix things. She’s doing great…. her. She’s doing great. But deep down I’m looking at her as she struggles to lift me up from the hole I plunged into. She’s warm this one, understanding. She’s a bit standoffish but in a way you can tell, it’s not to build up a wall, it’s because she simply doesn’t believe in magic anymore. Just logic. I see her, she’s amazing, awakened, honest, kind, accepting. She looks like everything I prayed for at some point. She’s beautiful. However, she’s a stranger. She looks familiar but I don’t recognize her. And that scares me. Nothing good happens after 2a.m… I guess what Ted Mozby meant to say is, you face yourself at that time.
She comes and knocks on my door and I have to decide whether to let her in and throw out the old me or let old me stay. I’ve been seeing old me on the side, still letting that Stockholm syndrome flow… I don’t want to, but she feels comfortable, familiar. The girl on the other side of the door, she’s amazing! So amazing! God sent, if I may add. But she’s fierce, she’s practical, demanding. she scares me to my core. I know I need her. I know she’s good for me though for some reason, I keep going back to old self. She’s the fun one, old self, despite the fact that she keeps breaking my heart and putting me down. She keeps disappointing me. But I love her you see, I love my abuser. I’m lost without her. At the end of the day I’m faced with a decision . Will I let old me stay or will I open for the girl at the door?… My choice for now! Is to stand at the hallway and just chill!
With love and light